Dandelion in the dark
by AvoxAngel
Summary: Katniss is trying to return to normal life in District 12, but something is holding her back. Will her feelings for Peeta help her, or are things going to get more difficult now that he has returned? First fanfic attempt! Rated M for possible future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: Hello there fanfiction community. This is my first fanfic attempt ever! I'm hoping to turn it into a full story if the reviews lead me in that way, so please review, and I really appreciate all honest and criticism. So without further adieu - enjoy! **

Chapter 1

Peeta was back. He had been back in my life for only a matter of weeks, but still in this time I couldn't get used to his presence. Yes, he had helped me to get through the worst of my depression, helped me to overcome the crippling pain that held me down for so long after returning to district 12, but still, I couldn't put my finger on what was the matter with me. And it was with me, it was my problem not his. He had been nothing but a perfect gentleman, planting the beautiful primrose bush to commemorate my sister, helping me add to my family book with his beautiful paintings and sketches. Yet I couldn't fully accept him back in my life. Not after everything we had been through.

I know that he was starting to get tired of putting in so much effort. I could see the disappointment in his face when I would once again decline his various invitations; to join him for dinner, to help him in the bakery or even my favourite thing in the world – to go for a walk in the woods. District 12 had changed now that it was under Paylor's rule. The people could move freely among the districts, there were more jobs, more food and more happiness than I had ever seen in my short life. But what I appreciated most of all was the freeness of leaving the district boundaries. The fence was no longer electrified; it was just left standing to keep out any predators that may get the idea of wandering into the district for an easy meal. Yes, Panem had changed, its people had changed but me? Am I even one of Panem's people anymore, or just a figment of imagination – a fire mutt?

I feel the blackness creeping over me again. These thoughts always brought it on. The only way to get over it was to find a dark crevice somewhere where I can't be disturbed, somewhere where I can't bring any harm to anyone around me. When I reverted back to being the fire mutt I couldn't be trusted. I turn rabid... feral. I know it worries the people who care about me most, during these episodes I hear Greasy Sae call my name, and I hear her cooking in the kitchen and smell the delicious smells that would normally make me salivate. But a Mutt does not salivate.

On the 4th day I hear him, softly whispering my name at first but gradually becoming more fearful when he gets no reply. I stir in my nest, I somehow worked my way into the attic this time and was buried in a mound of rags; my mother had probably stored them some time ago when she still was caring for the people in 12. He must have been listening intently because he found the source of the noise, moved the rags until my face was visible. "Katniss", he whispered, "This can't go on. I know what it's like; I face them same battles every day. Let me in, I can help you… well… I can try".

Hearing his voice brings new feelings to the front of my mind. I no longer feel scared of hurting everyone around me. However I now feel terrified of hurting him. This must be what's different this time. Memories of that day in the arena flash in front of my eyes. The flash of the force field. Thinking I had lost him forever. I couldn't let that happen again. I couldn't live with the knowledge that it would be me, not me, the fire mutt, that would be responsible for making him disappear from this planet.

Still he doesn't leave. He sits near the entrance of the attic, silently watching me. Does he not realise the danger he is in? Still, if I can just control myself enough to not move a muscle, perhaps he would stay safe. He sat like that, hunched under the rafters for over 24 hours, not sleeping or eating but always watching. Waiting to see if the darkness that encompassed my eyes would fade. He must have seen it before I felt it leaving because he walked up to me and placed a tentative hand on my cheek. "Hey", he said softly. I looked into his eyes, the two blue pools on his strained face; it can't have been comfortable sitting with me all that time. Even though he has been through so much more than me, even though his mind and been taken over and controlled by the Capitol, something in there must still love me. That's when it hit me. This time felt different, I felt as though I couldn't accept him into my life again because I didn't know that he still loved me. The invitations he had offered earlier seemed like empty gestures, something to get me out of the house or to try to be friends. But sitting here for so long, sitting where there was not enough space for his broad frame to possibly get comfortable, no food, no water, no sleep… he must still really love me despite what I put him through. A swoop of guilt passed through my stomach as I realised how horrible I had been, because, let's face it, deep down I loved him too. "Hey", I smiled back at him before pulling myself up using his neck, my lips meeting his on the ascent.

**Hope you enjoyed - don't forget to review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note. Thanks to those who followed this story, it means a lot to me. This chapter is going into a darker place, so some angst!**

Chapter 2

Peeta didn't say a word. He gently scooped me into his arms, his strong arms and broad shoulders encircling me. At last… I felt safe. The heat of his body, the strong steady beat of his heart that I could almost feel through his chest permeated warmth through me. He carefully carried me down from the attic and brought me into the bathroom. My usual routine after my Mutt episodes – clean myself, eat, and survive. But this time I felt the need to add to this list – clean myself, eat, love Peeta.

I walked down the stairs, my freshly washed hair gathered loosely into a braid, and was immediately met by the smell of freshly baked cheese buns. I salivated at the thought of my favourite meal… hmm salivation, the mutt must be gone. Peeta greeted me with a wide grin, which I couldn't help returning. "You're back", he sighed with relief, "this time, it was so much worse than the others Katniss. Look at you, you're skin and bones. You look as if you're back…" He stopped short but I knew what he was planning on saying. "Peeta, I'm…" He interrupted me before I could finish. "Don't apologise, I know you can't help those demons in your head. It's just seeing you like that, right beside me yet so distant… I don't know. It just triggered something in me, like I had to watch over you to make sure… let's just forget it and eat."

As we sat in silence and ate I couldn't help think about his words. Make sure of what? He surely can't know the feral thoughts that go through the Mutts mind – death, destruction, flames. "Peeta?" I asked tensely, "what did you want to make sure?" He sighed and looked down. Something was the matter; I could immediately tell he was keeping something from me. "Look, I know what it's like. I've been there, I still go there. And I…" He paused to look at me, penetrating me with his bright blue eyes. I could see tears beginning to form in the corners of his eyes. "I only have one way to get out of the dark…" He held up his arm. Shock registered immediately which soon formed into anger. "What the hell Peeta?! All I worry about is hurting others… hurting you and trying with all my might to keep back the rage from building over and doing something stupid, and here you are actually hurting yourself?" I was furious. How dare he? How could he be the one hurting himself when all the Mutt wants is to see him dead? "Katniss, I thought of all people you would understand" His voice cracked, he was upset. "I just... I can't even look at you" I spat at him, pushing back my chair a little too hard, causing it to topple over.

I ran from the kitchen, darkness starting to bubble up from deep within again. Slamming my room door shut I curled onto the bed, burying my head in my hands. He thought I was going to hurt myself when all I was thinking was how to stop myself from hurting him. How could he be so stupid? Had he not faced enough injuries in all his time in the arenas, in the Capitol? I didn't hear him come into the room. "Let me explain", he said, causing me to jump. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you." I glared at him then turned to face the wall. "Just listen. I have thoughts… dark thoughts. I feel like the whole world is closing in around me. Like I'm… suffocating. The only way to bring me back, to remind me that the whole world isn't about to crumble apart is to bring pain. It's about the only think I can relate to anymore." Although he couldn't see it, my expression softened. Just like me hiding away, he had to have a way to cope with his demons. I just wish he could channel those feelings another way… in a way where he wouldn't have to hurt. I turned to him. "This cannot happen again, you hurting yourself. I have thoughts too, but mine don't lead my mind to me hurting myself… they make me want to hurt you. To keep you away, keep everyone away! No one can come near me; everyone close to me ends up ruined. I'm a monster, I've killed people. I killed…" I couldn't say it, but he knew, he always knows. "You didn't kill her" he started soothingly. Rage was starting to break to the front again. "If it wasn't for me, she would still be alive. If I had just eaten those damn berries the second I pulled them out she would still be alive. None of this would have happened." I was starting to rant now, the fire Mutt raising his head from within. "All that would have happened would be my body arriving back in a box. Who would care then? There would have been no rebellion, no war, and no dissent in the districts. Another Game with one sole victor. And my sister, my beautiful sister, still alive, helping my mother, becoming a healer… making cheese from her goat and loving on that stupid cat." I couldn't stop now, all these feeling that had been buried deep for so long were spilling out so fast that I wasn't even sure what was coming out of my mouth. "But no, stupid selfish me had to come back alive. I couldn't let you – you who should have been the true victor – return without me. I had to draw attention to myself, make Snow hate me, become a symbol for rebellion. All I wanted was a quiet life. I should have never agreed to be that damn Mockingjay. Then I would have never met Coin, and she would have never killed Prim. She only did it to ruin me, and guess what? She succeeded."

Peeta stared at me as if he was just seeing me for the first time. He who was so charismatic - stuck for words. I knew it, he blames me too. Everyone blames me and that's why I need to be alone, to be locked away where I couldn't harm anyone else… but even away from him I'm still causing him harm. It's down to me that he has these dark thoughts that give him the need to slice into his own skin. "If you had eaten those berries…if you had died, if I was the sole victor… what would I have?" He sounded so crestfallen. "It's thanks to all those events that I ever got to know you, to get to spend time with you. Obviously I wish that some circumstances were different, but if all this hadn't unfolded I wouldn't have you. I would be here in 12 with a family who basically hated me, longing for that girl with the braid, the one who I would have seen die before me. I wish you didn't have to go through this, and it is that wish that made me hurt myself. I'm so damn selfish that I couldn't grasp your suffering through my own happiness. I was happy that you were miserable… well… not exactly, but I couldn't imagine life without you and that makes me the worst monster of all."

I had felt so safe earlier, his arms holding me close and the beat of his heart keeping the Mutt at bay, but now everything was exposed. All our feelings, all the deepest darkest thoughts that we tried to keep hidden away were now out in the open for us both to see. I suddenly felt relieved, as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. "We can't go on like this, both blaming ourselves when none of this is our fault. It was the Capitols fault; all this was brewing long before we were even born. We were just the unfortunate ones who happened to be caught up in the worst possible time." He looked relieved too. "So, what now?" he asked. I considered for a moment. What could possibly come next after all this… then it struck me. "Now we forgive each other, and forgive ourselves. We move out of the dark… together"

**A/N: Had to get the darkness out of the way to move onto the fluff, so hopefully you still enjoyed this chapter and will enjoy the upcoming romance! Again, would love some feedback as this is my first attempt at fan fic.**


End file.
